Okay, so I'm feeling better, praise Jesus! Katie, thanks sooo much for the talk we had.  We need to do that more often.  I had been hoping that we could have a heart-to-heart for a while so I could be completely open with you about things.  It's nice to be able to do that.  You also really helped me by sharing with me and giving me advice.  You and Kim are both a gift to me from God, not to mention hilariously funny!  I love you guys!!! 

I was talking with my buddy, Jeremiah, last night and I realized something about how my lack of assertiveness makes me feel.  You know that feeling you get when it's late and you have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn in the morning?  You just go "Ughhhhh."  I am in a constant state of "uggghhhh."  My breathing is shallow and I've noticed that when my cell phone rings, I am almost immediately annoyed/angry.  Jennifer, that's called resentment.   I also sleep to escape things and avoid confrontation.  I didn't realize that, but I think that's why I sleep so long without necessarily being tired.  It's an escape.  I guess it's a much better option than drugs or alcohol, but it still sucks and takes away from my daily life.  I know I'm just throwing myself out here, but it's about time I did that.   

So...we are going to commence cutting people off.  *snip* *snip*  That, or just being honest about my feelings.  Because I can't deal with this anymore.  Okay, there are currently 3 main people I need to be straight up with.  I will keep you updated on my victories.  I'll probably end up crying because that's what happened last time I did this.  It was a good cry though.  A good, hard cry of relief.   I actually remember when a certain person finally ended the whole "dating" thing with me after I tried to tell him I didn't want to be with him.  Instead of being upset when I hung up the phone, I threw my hands up and said out loud, "Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!" I couldn't stop smiling.  Messed up, huh?  haha

Okay, enough with the deep stuff. <sip coffee>  <tongue click>  Yeah...I'm going to have to ask you...to go ahead and...come back another time....m-kay?  Thanks a bunch.  haha

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is 5:19 a.m. and this is my second Xanga post ever! I know y'all are proud of me!

Oh my gosh! Spring Break was the best!  I've never been so NOT ready to come home!  Justin, thanks for everything.  You made us feel like princesses, which, technically we are I guess if God's the king.   Also, thank you for giving me hope in the fact that there are wonderful, fun, Godly men out there who aren't stuck in their little Christian box and completely naive about the world around them.  Oh and I love the fact that you liked it when we were all girly!!  I hope that doesn't make you feel weird. I hope you take that as a compliment because that's what it is. 

So obviously, I'm having trouble sleeping.  I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm hungry or if it's because I have a lot of crap I need to get off my chest.  Not necessarily here, I just need to talk to some people.  So, I've got a box of donuts and I'm getting some stuff out in the open here.  We'll see if either one of those things helps.

Okay, so how do you go about cutting people off? I mean from your life?  I have never done that before.  Not in a straightforward way.  I mean, over time I've lost touch with people and stuff, but I am at a point right now where I just have to cut people off. So what do you do, just say: "Okay, you're done. Thanks for playin'. Game Over. Buh-bye?"  I wish it was that simple.  I've heard people's testimonies before where they talk about having to cut off relationships that were hindering their walk with God.  That's exactly what is happening with me.  It doesn't help that I also have a huge problem being open with my feelings, especially when expressing them would mean hurting people.

I feel soooo smothered, suffocated, tense, you name it.  I mean, I can feel it physically in my stomach.  I feel this way the majority of the time.  I think if I were able to "get rid of" these people that grip that I can feel inside would loosen and I could breathe easier.  Sometimes I wish members of the opposite sex just didn't talk to me at all.  Sometimes I wish I were just hideous, annoying, anything repulsive.  But the thing is, I get into real trouble because I'm "that type of person" that likes to include people, encourage them, and build them up, make them feel good about themselves.  Which, I guess would be fine if I just went about it differently, I guess. I don't know.  So anyway, people tell me I'm flirtatious and I guess I am.  I want to fix that, ya know save it for someone I really, really am into.  I don't know I guess I just want to have a deep connection with someone so badly that I look around for it.  Anyway, what happens is that the guy gets attached really fast. Then I'm smothered and feel like I'm being backed into a corner. I just want to scream, "Oh my gosh! You freak! Go away!" 

One of my big problems is that I understand how much courage it takes to walk over to a girl and ask her out, so I feel bad for just straight up shooting him down.  But, I don't want to lie about having something else to do either.  Even when I do finally get my feelings out about not really liking a guy, eventually he comes back.  I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm bragging. I'm really not trying to.  I'm just letting out some frustration. 

Maybe this is why I've had this huge yearning lately to go into missions. I mean, I've always had that, but right now leaving the country and all these people and just going far, far away sounds really appealing.  I know that won't solve my assertiveness problems, though.

Sorry to unload, but I do feel better now.  Plus I have some donuts in my belly.  If anyone makes it to the end of this post and has any advice, I would appreciate it! This is killing me!